While everybody was having a nice time reminiscing on the past year either alone at home or at a party with others, I only thought of that very present moment, which was of me being all alone at home. Didn't pause to think of what people have done for me, and also how I've spent most of my time in front of a desk with post its all over. Perhaps I was too soaked in my own pool of negative feelings then.

But even now, I don't feel too good reflecting upon the past year, because I don't know how to start. Far too many things have happened in 2011, it is the year of the biggest changes in me. I have grown to be less dependent, slightly colder, more asocial.

It is so much easier to list out the tangibles - the events that have happened, the people i have met. As for my personal growth and emotions, I feel I have let my emotions slip past so many times, and I do not know which events and reflection have caused the big changes in me. I feel as though I have teleported to a destination and missed out on a lot by choosing to not go by the road. I remember first having this thought during the Andrew Lloyd Webber concert.

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Due to my current inablity to assess my inner thoughts and feelings, I shall list out the biggest 'tangible' events that have occurred the past year in chronological order:

I made a new friend through the most ridiculous means, expected to fail my As but didn't fail as badly as I expected to (but still bad enough for me to retake them), travelled to Europe for 3 weeks and cried a lot, sent Sarah off and had a great time with her before that, lost touch with many other people, spent almost all of my studying time alone, saw the hardworking side of me a month plus before the A's, didn't perform as well as I wanted to during the papers themselves, ended A's on 25th november and have been doing whatever I want since then.

I could say I spent the new year talking to my closest and some of my closer friends - Sarah in london preparing to go for a party and is the one i talk more to on normal occasions, Clifford having duty in a building all on his own who rambled and heard me ramble on till i fell asleep, as usual.

And briefly to Peixuan whom i went through the A's with, who texted me something nice while I was asleep :), and Nicolette who is currently sick with bronchitis and I feel guilty for not knowing more about it, and Baha who called me for maybe 20 seconds to say happy new year in an excited voice against the noises in the back ground.

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It was really lonely before that - as the only one awake in the house while everybody else was celebrating with their friends or family. I wanted to hug someone, the idea of someone and not an actual person, but there was nobody.